Back in England

Well I have been back in England for less than a week. Already I am missing Africa, particularly all the friends I made there. I met some fantastic people who so freely supported me and the work I was doing. I also met some people who were just simply amazing. I met people with amazing stories, people with some fantastic and moving testimonies and other people who were just wonderful people to be with.

I have been asking what I am going to do next in the period leading up to September 2010 when I start college. There may be the possibility of working in a parish in Sheffield and this is being investigated.

I love being home, but I am missing Zimbabwe! I have been visiting all my friends here and have been feeling a bit of a burden trying to fit into their busy schedules. Friends in Africa would MAKE time, but here it’s like booking an appointment. I guess I will have to get used to that again! Already I have noticed that I am so much more laid back than I was before. My attitude when something annoys or irritates me is so much more gentle than it was before. My experience in Zimbabwe has filled me with patience and love. I am such a better person to be with and to know. I now will make time to see people rather than just ‘fitting them in’ to a busy lifestyle. I am going to go against the grain of what we know to be English culture to love and care for people more. Jesus said that by this all men will know that you are my disciples. I think what this is, is me wanting to be a better and more dedicated disciple of Christ, who fills me with love.

9/12/09

I have been back nearly one week now. I am finding it really hard to balance a life style that shows care for those in Zimbabwe and one that reflects my concern for their lives and a lifestyle that opts for the poor and for the environment. I am missing deeply the children and the people who we worked with. I am also missing the daily challenge of helping someone, whoever it may be. This week I have just been moping around not doing much, feeling sorry for myself and for the world.

Father Oswin emailed me and, as usual, emailed words I needed to hear, filled by power and meaning. He said that I needed to offer my frustrations and feelings to God. After all, he created the world, this is his world and he can deal with it. I need to offer back to him my life and my concerns for all his children, especially the orphans, who are on his heart. God has given me a passion and vision for orphans, whom he also has a passion and vision for. I have to thank God that he has allowed me to share in HIS vision and praise him because he knows the outcome.

Over the past week, I have been thinking about myself and about how I can balance all the parts of my life to help others around me. My sexuality has obviously popped up. Being ‘gay’ is much more about the sex of people you choose to have sex with, as so many people think it is. In fact, I would argue that sexuality makes up your whole lifestyle. My sexuality reflects, yes who I fancy, but also how I act, how I judge situations and respond to them. My sexuality, more importantly, also reflects how I love others. Because I have faced a difficult time of being judged all the time, I realise how important it is not to do the same to others. I know how important it is to treat others with respect and decency. But, more importantly, God teaches me how to love through my sexuality. If it wasn’t for me being homosexual, I would not have gone to Africa. If it wasn’t for my sexuality being how it is, I would be a totally different person, and certainly would not have become a Christian. I would know God’s love in different way, if at all and I would love people differently, if at all! God has taught me how to love his children all over the world. I have so many supporters and friends who love me too. Life is about finding acceptance, but it should also be about helping others find that love and acceptance, and that is something, I am proud to sa, that God has revealed to me. Life is a constant journey to find love and acceptance and Christianity is no exception to that. Christians seek God because they want to be loved. They are loved by something bigger and unexplainable. I believe that homosexuals find it easy to give everything to God, to be Christians, because they are searching for love and acceptance, constantly. So, I am proud to be gay and I would never wish or pray to change. In fact, I ask that God confirms it every day in my life, so I can go on continuing to fight for the cause of those who are weaker than me – gay people, poor, orphans… I will fight for their cause, simply because I know that God loves them like he loves me – that is something worth fighting for! The fight in the church isn’t about priests being gay or who they sleep with. It is a fight for acceptance and love on both sides. As we fight we uncover the weaknesses of both sides fighting. One side sees that they cannot love and the sees that they need to love more. We are threatened by this unveiling and scared by the truth so we continuing the fighting. We are scared because we thought we could love each other, but in fact God exposes that we have loved on our terms, not on his. His love requires sacrifice and pain. Arguing comfortably cuts no mustard with him unless we have put ourselves out to identify, however much we hate it, with those we are arguing against.

I know that this feeling of pain will take years to leave me, if it does leave me at all. Part of me wants it to leave because it’s uncomfortable and tears me. However, another part of me wants it to stay because in that pain of finding out who I am and who God is, I have learnt, and continue to learn to love. Love, for me IS Christianity – God IS love.